Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
If you take the "L" out of LOVER. Its OVER.
Ohh hey… You’re Riley cute
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
Colors laugh by saying, "Hue Hue Hue."
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
I'd like to get you wet. At least long enough to get you back to the ocean.
Hey baby, are you made up of dark matter? Because you’re indescribable.
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
"Roses are red, violets are blue. We're breaking up beacause I never loved you."
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
Are you the World Cup? ‘Cause I get excited just waiting for you.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Hi, I’m a T-cell, and I’m here to protect you from everything.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers