What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
Honey, if you were a space station, you’d be called Deep Space Fine.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
If you want to impress the crowd, hit overheads. Every point will be a smash hit.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor
Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply
I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming
In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'
Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?
- by Jenna Logan
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
If I wrote a cookbook, you'd be the featured recipe.
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.