It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
I heard you like math, so what’s the sum of U+Me?
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
Emphysema puffs pink, chronic bronchitis makes you blue, but no COPD makes me as breathless as you!
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.
Eddie edited it.
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
My love for you is like no otter.
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”