“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel

Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.

You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.

What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.

Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.

The weather is almost as beautiful as you, m'lady.

What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.

Girl, you can kiss heaven goodbye because it's got to be a sin to look that good.

Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.

Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.

How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.

Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.

The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.

Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.

Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.

What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx

What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.

Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!

The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.

How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?

Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!

"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain

Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.

I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.

How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.

How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla

Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm

Are you spaghetti? I want to put sauce on you.

Sorry, could you turn it down a little please? Your smile is really lighting up the whole room.

There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!

I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.

"We found eggs in a hopeless place."

What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.

What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.

I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.

What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.

Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!

“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”

It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.

If you were a vegetable, you'd be a CUTE-cumber.

Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"

I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.

Date a soccer player. We can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions.

The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.

What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.

Propranolol is red, digoxin is blue. My heart skips a beat when I see you.

I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.

“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown

What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:

"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."