Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from you.
"Aerodynamic Mishap"
I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!
I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.
But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!
My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!
– Gareth Lancaster
Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to give you a kiss.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
Are you the splash-and-dash? Because you've got my heart beating.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing!
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
"Five Little Acorns"
Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”
The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.
– Debbie Hill
"The Silliest Teacher in School"
Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.
We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.
The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.
“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”
– Darren Sardelli
I'd run miles just to be with you.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
If you were a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
You must be a sustainably farmed mushroom because you’re really growing on me.
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.