It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
Colors laugh by saying, "Hue Hue Hue."
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
You must be phylum because you seem to be above class.
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you obviously landed on your face.
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
I am glad my mobile phone has GPS because I am totally getting lost in your beautiful eyes.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
Are you the World Cup? ‘Cause I get excited just waiting for you.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.