What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
"What an egg-citing day."
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
Are you a lateral pterygoid because you make my jaw drop.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
Know what? I dig you, really!
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
As a Brit, I can't get into American football
They rugby the wrong way.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
You’re so hot, you denature my enzymes.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
"Some people have no guts."
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
My mom told me that life is like a deck of cards, so you must the be queen of hearts.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
Writers have great climaxes.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”