If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
I can think of an activity that'll make you sweat even more than a 90 minute hot yoga class...
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
I have a heart-on for you.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
You know, less teeth means more tongue.
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
Love me do
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.