A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
What a spud muffin.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
I eat eel while you peel eel
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
Tomatoes are red, roses are red too. We both know what I truly love is you.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
Are you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate… Well, here I am!
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
It's time to be like a kit-kat and split up.
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
Side effects may include infatuation, racing heart, and lowered inhibitions.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.