Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
Are you a booger? Because I want to pick you first.
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
My Creeper gets excited when it sees how hot you look.(Minecraft)
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
Are you Medusa? When you looked at me the world seem to stop.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
Wear green, or leaf.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
I think we Anthon-eed to get to know each other soon
when I’m with you.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.