What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
Wanna make out in my Tundra Buggy?
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
Gold riddance.
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.
A coronaissance, if you will.
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Baby owl.
Baby owl who?
Baby owl see you later at my place.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.
Green glass globes glow greenly.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
Hey, I just got my flight number. I'm just missing your phone number.
I’m not sure, but I think I’m falling in love with you already.
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’