Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
If you were a flower, I would pick you.
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
We bee-long together.
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
I'm snow bored.
Are you at the Chanel store? Because you are way too fancy for me.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
You make the Queen of Sheba look like a hobo.
"That's all, yolks."
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?