You're so pharma-cute-ical!
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
I hope for world peas.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
Just so you know I have a ref full of chocolate, a couch and good films at my house.
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.
The highlight of the year for dear old Dad
Was Halloween when treats were to be had
His modus operandi
Son you collect the candy
Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
Are you the sun?
Because you should stay 93 million miles away from me.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.