What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb

What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.

What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.

There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'

How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.

What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!

Can I hiber-mate with you?

What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!

Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"

Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot

“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.

If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.

Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.

Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.

Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.

Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.

If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!

What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.

Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.

"The Vulture"

The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.

His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!

– Hilaire Belloc

Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.

I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.

Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.

What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium

I can feel something brewing between the two of us.

“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown

Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.

That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…

I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.

How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.

Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.

Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.

Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.

A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.

My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.

Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!

Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.

Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!

"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."

What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.

Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!

What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs