Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
Permission to board?
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
I could tell you a COVID joke...
But it would take two weeks for you to get it.
Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what it's made of?
Boyfriend material.
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
I'm going to start watching my caffeine intake because baby you make my heart palpitate.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Broccoli.
Broccoli who?
Broccoli doesn't have a last name, silly.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.