You can count on the stars, but you can’t ever count on how much I miss you.
The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear explosive in recorded history, has an output of 57 megatons of TNT
And that pales in comparison to how much of a bombshell you are.
I used to fear giants.
Now I look up to them.
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
Are you a time traveler? Because I absolutely see you in my future.
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
Is this the transfiguration?
Because you are glowing.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
Every muscle in your body is beautiful.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
If I asked you out, could the answer be Ameli-yeah?
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
You’re once, twice, three times a lady.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
I could go on and on about Salming but I don't want to Borje.
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!