What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Haida there, gorgeous.
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
Feeling my shelf.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
Are you a Frappuccino? Because I want to be that whipped cream on the top.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
Are you the one who signed up for the pee club?
Because if so, urine.
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!