"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
How does it feel to be the only star in the sky?
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
You must be a Candy bar because you appease me.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
It's okay password...
...I'm insecure too...
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Is your name chocolate, because you make my seratonin levels rise and give me a sense of pleasure.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis...
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
You look good on your yoga mat.
Sorry, I'm octopied.
Your lab or my lab?
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place