A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.

What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.

“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West

I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.

“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”

- Peter Krause.

Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.

Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.

Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.

What's the difference between butter and the corona virus?
Corona actually spreads.

Are you from Canada? Because if you're wondering if you can go out on a date with me, well, you CAN–UH-DUH!

I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.

The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.

What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.

Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.

What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap

Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!

I'm at my best during overtime.

Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.

What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Him: Awww, of course!

Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.

Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.

What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.

Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.

“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson

What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive

What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.

What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?

What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!

Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.

What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!

If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.

“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor

You must be a summoner, cause I can feel a powerful creature rising... in my pants!

I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.

Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.

I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.

I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.

What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.

Are you my homework? Because I’m not doing you, even though I should.

What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.

What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.

So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.

What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.

“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”

“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!

(Robert Graves)

Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.

What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.

The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.

What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.

My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.

What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.