When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
Were you forged in the fires of Mount Doom? Because you're precious to me.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
Error 404: Your number is not found on my phone.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
You make my heart skip a beet.
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
I give roughing a whole new definition.
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.