I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Let’s spend some koala-ty time with each other.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
While it’s taking a while for the Corona virus to reach other countries, China got it right off the bat.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
You must be from Prague, because I can't help but Czech you out.
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
You must be from Paris, because you're driving me in Seine.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.