What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
Cute dog! I just wanted to take this op-paw-tunity to say hi!
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
Only a**holes use bidets.
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
Hey, are you a campfire? ‘Cause you’re super hot and I want s’more.
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
You are like an electron and I am like a proton. And they say that opposites attract.
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
Go big or go gnome.
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus