After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
I know Benjamin Franklin.
Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
I think you just tripped me, 'cause I just fell for you.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Mirra.
Mirra who?
Mirra mirra on the wall, you're the fairest of them all.
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys
The Audi Partner.
Hello there, how do you brew?
Built up some confidence to reach out…hope you don’t igNora me
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
Call me Rudolph, because you just sleighed me.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Are you maple syrup? ‘Cause you taste so sweet.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!