Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
I'm a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you're a proverbs 31 kinda woman.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
I'm no sandman, but I can take you to cotton candy land.
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
I hope to someday be your emergency contact...
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
Without you, my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf.
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
Your eyes look like dark black holes, buI can't help but to be drawn in.
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
With conjunctions, you and I can be together.
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.