I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
Does your daddy have a pet owl? Because you are a hoot.
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
Do you like free samples?
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
We are mint to be.
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
Darling, I never want you to leaf me.
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
You can hold my hand if you're afraid of camp fire stories.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
You have beautiful eyes. Oh, wait, those are your wings. Why you gotta be so scary?
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
I like you very mulch. I think about you every daisy.
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
I'm definitely in the range of your hotspot. How about you let me connect and get full access.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)