My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
I Got to Get You Into My Life
These decorations are tree-mendous.
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
You must be related to Nikola Tesla because you're electrifying.
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
I could never Passover you.
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
You shouldn't wear make up, baby.
It's messing with perfection.
You’re my #1 pick.
Wanna see my norwegian wood?
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.