Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.

What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!

What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.

Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.

Can you tell me the oxidation state of this atom? If you can’t, then you can tell me your phone number instead?

A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.

“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster

What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box

For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.

Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!

It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.

The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!

My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.

"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous

“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire

Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!

Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.

Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.

Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.

What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.

A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."

What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!

Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.

What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot

Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!

What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.

Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”

Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.

Girl, if we were lymphocytes, you’d be a natural killer.

Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.

Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.

“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”

Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.

Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.

Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)

The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.

Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!

What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.

What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe

"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner

Nathan compares to you

Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them

The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.

Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".

To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"

Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me!

What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial

Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.

Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.

What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”