What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!