What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?