Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
Can February March? No. But April May.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!