What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.