What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
Can February march?
No, but April may.
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.