What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!