Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address