Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"