What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.