Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!