What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell