What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry