What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!