Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!