What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
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Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.