What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.