Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.