Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.