What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.