What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!