Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!