When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!