What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!