What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."