What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
Can February march?
No, but April may.
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.