What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
Can February march?
No, but April may.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver