Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.