Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
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What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.