What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.