I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.