What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!