What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
Can February march?
No, but April may.
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!