What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
Can February march?
No, but April may.
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!