What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
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What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!