Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.