How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!