Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
Can February March? No. But April May.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!