What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!