Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!