What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.