Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Can February march?
No, but April may.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!