Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.

What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.

What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.

Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!

A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.

What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.