Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.

- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.

A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.

Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.

What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.

There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.

What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.

Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.

How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.

What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.