My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".

What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.

How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.

What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.

How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.

Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.