A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.

What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.

What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.

A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.

What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.

Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”

Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.