Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.

What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.

What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.

Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”

- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”

What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.

What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.