Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.