A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.