I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor