When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”