You're so pharma-cute-ical!
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
Roses are red, my face is too, this only happens when I cycle with you.
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
Well, I’m definitely Madel-interested
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Worm!
Worm who?
Worm to meet you!
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
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