I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
Can I give you a hug to show you how soft my sweater is?
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
I know I’m a perfect stranger, so let me introduce myself. I’m Ted. See? Now I’m just perfect.
Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
Shake your shamrocks.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
Why was the evergreen so lonely in high school? She was always pining to become a part of the poplar kids.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
After all is sled and done.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
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