"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
My name is Romeo, will you be my Juliet?
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
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