A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.

When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.

Funny meat-ing you here.

Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.

The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.

Are you a werewolf? 'Cause I'm lycan what I see.

I know that 70% of the human body is composed of H2O, but the tall drink of water I'm looking at is probably 97%.

I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work

Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch

How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.

How does it feel to be the only star in the sky?

What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.

What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.

2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.

If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.

What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.

Excuse me, I think you dropped something - my jaw.

What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”

How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.

Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous

What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.

How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?

Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.

If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

Is your tent erect yet or do you need help with that?

Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!

Want to go for a ride?

You look like a vision in your dress tartan.

We have such great chemistry that we should do some biology together.

What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.

What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?

What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!

How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!

What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!

What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.

What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?
A dead-y bear.

Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.

The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.

Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?

I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.

I'd take that cackhanded banana-bender on a walkabout

Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?

Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.

I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"

I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.