"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Girl, if we were lymphocytes, you’d be a natural killer.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
When God made you, he was just showing off.
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
Is your Wi-Fi on because I can feel a very strong connection with you?
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
I can score more often than the average soccer player.
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
I’m a handsome prince and my sword is no trick.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
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