I'm a maintenance engineer and I'd love to tinker with your parts.

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

“In order to maintain a well­-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!

A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.

What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady

Fairies just spell trouble.

I don't know what gate I'm boarding at, but I hope it's close to yours.

What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker

After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.

Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.

If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.

The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.

There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.

What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike

What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!

My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.

I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.

Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.

I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.

My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.

For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.

Shes a fairy realistic person.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!

What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.

I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.

All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.

Sorry I'm late, I kep falling for you on the way.

What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.

Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.

You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!

What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?

There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.

It's lit.

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

"Let's have some skele-fun."

My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.

I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure

Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.

Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.

There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.

"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston

Let's procreate like the snakes in the Narcisse Dens.

Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.

Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!

I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.

Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.

Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.

Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!