What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.