What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Do you like yoga? Because yoganna love what I can offer you.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
You can have that last bag of chips if I can bag your number.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
You're the second greatest thing to happen to me. Jesus being the first.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
If I can't score, can I at least get an assist?
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
How about you and I form a binary system?
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
I have the final sleigh.
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien