“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland

The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.

I know I’m not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but one glance at you and I’m already interested.

Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!

Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.

I know your name is Savan-nah, but if I asked you out to drinks, could that be a Savan-yeah?

Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.

I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum!

“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous

What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.

Best in snow.

My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.

What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.

What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.

When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire

The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.

What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!

What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.

A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.

I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.

What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.

My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.

“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock

“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin

Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.

Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.

Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.

Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato

What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!

I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.

How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.

Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

I hope my love for you is arterial because I don’t want it to be all in vein.

My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.

Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.

I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.

“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous

What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.

I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"

What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.

A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.

“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?

Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP

What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!