I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
You're one in a melon.
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
Get clover it, babe.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
You know I'm da man you been wading for.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.